Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Every concussion has its silver lining
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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