Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
