Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
