i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
