I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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