Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
