I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
