dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
