Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
