Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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