Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
