Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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