Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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