OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
