fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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