Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
