I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
