I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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