Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
