mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
