I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
