About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
