I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
