It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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