Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
