i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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