My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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