It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
