the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
