We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
