he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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