im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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