i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
