Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
