Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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