neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
