She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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