Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
