I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
