Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
