You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
