she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
