I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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