I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We have started to decorate penises.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
