I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
