if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
