You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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