If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I have post one night stand depression
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
