why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
