I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
